Pimp My Lent/Day 3


from Cristee Cook…

“At a used book sale, you purchase a leather-bound volume. At home, you thumb through the pages and an old letter tumbles out. What does it say?”


Dear Jeanmarie,

Hello. How are you? I am fine. I am in fourth grade and my mother is yelling do my homework so I will finish this letter out in a minute.

I am back. The homework was easy-cheesy because it was a english worksheet and I love english!! I am glad to have a pen-pal at last and glad that my aunt knows your aunt and glad we can be pen-pals. In my english class we had to get a pen-pal and write REAL LETTERS through the REAL MAIL because Mrs. Beach our teacher does not want us to grow up and have handwriting like it was written by somebody with a horse’s hoof for a hand!! So we are not allowed to use email for pen-pals which is okay because there’s no computer here anyway at all, but we can use typerwriters and Miss Quinnette has a typerwriter which is okay , and it’s okay fun but pretty noisey! I heard you live near Myrtle’s Beach in South Carolina which my dad always calls “Sout-cakka-lakkie.” I don’t know what that means, I hope it is not bad or raciest because sometimes dad makes raciest comments though he is a good soldier and the best dad so please don’t not like him. My mom always says “your dad was raised in the south and we have to keep him in line.” So we all do because sometimes he says raciest things, although never the n-word because that’s “the limit.” We were stationed in California and in a farmer’s market was the only time I ever heard somebody say the n-word in anger and in public, because a guy was shouting it at a black guy who was running past us. I don’t know why it happen, but it scared the crap outta me but good. Mom was raised up in Oklahoma too but she never says anything raciest in the least!!

My grandmother’s name is Miss Quinnette and she is my mom’s stepmother and she says when she says “jump” we should say “how high.” Mom loves Miss Q (I call her this and think it’s funny but I only call her this when she’s not around!)  because she’s the woman who mostly raised Mom up, and Mom says I will learn to like her and to give her a chance because she is real smart in the way of gardening and cooking and sewing, which are all things that I capital DESPISE. We are living with Miss Q (her own kids call her by her name instead of mom or mother or mama, which is more than weird and she says she is mostly American Indian but her skin is papery and veins that show through, and her hair is RED so how can it be – not that she is lying!! But she is pretty mean in her way of talking to me and my brother and my sister but not baby Savannah because that would be “the limit”)  in the smallsmallsmall town of Cache (which is in Oklahoma and they say it like “cash” and not like the perfume “cash-shay”) while my dad is in Iraq because we got sent to Fort Sill Oklahoma in some last minute deal and did not have time to get on base before my dad was gone again and we’re on a list waiting for quarters. My dad’s name is Benjamin Richard Cameron and he’s a sargeant and he’s been to Iraq three times and Afghanistan two times. And Germany and Japan to train and do I don’t know what in between!!  Miss Q is calling me again and sounds she’s breathing fire so off I go on the double. Be back soon.

It’s dinner now, almost. I had to pull dandelions out of Miss Quinette’s yard. I was supposed to pull them earlier and I thought got them all, but I had not. And now I am in big hot water for being a shirker. I am not shirker!! I just wish we could be back in my other grandparent’s place. They live on a farm and we stayed there for almost two years or more and Mom likes them just like they were her real parents but she does not want to trouble them again. I wish we could. I wish, wish, wish, wish, WISH. Mom had a baby six months ago and her name is Savannah and Dad has not even seen her! Can you believe it?  I am called Cricket but my name is Stephanie which I hate so everybody calls me Cricket because my dad started it because he said I make noise all the time like one and my hair is so darkdarkdark brown like a cricket and like my mom’s hair which is long and she IS a Native American Indian for real, because her real mom was a Indian from Texas who was a quarter of a Caddo Indian. Mom is not on the roles for money or benefits and hardly knows who her people are, she says. I think it makes her sad. Dad says me and my sisters and our brother are all  “G.I. ISSUE.” He laughs when he says it. He is weird but he is so funny and loves cartoons with me. I love him and I wish he was HOME!!!!!!!!

I had to stop again because Miss Quinette is making us do painting to calm us down before bedtime because she makes us be quiet as we paint flowers and focus. Lexi (short for Alexandra) and my brother Douglas do good, but I HAAAAAAAAATE painting especially flowers gaah!! Miss Q paints reallyreally nice and now Lexi and Douglas are going to be good at flowers too. They are always better at art. It makes my head tired to paint. Miss Q says I am a big dud as a painter and I told her “I concur!” which made my dad laugh when we talked to him a couple of weeks ago but it just made her capital M-A-D mad!  Mom tells me to “zip it” but she smiled so I think she was thinking I’m funny. Ha, ha, ha.

My mom says the typerwriter noise has to stop NOW.  I’m giving her a headache. I wrote TWO PAGES!! I’ve got to turn it off and try to sleep! I don’t know a lot about you, I hope you will write me back soon and tell me!! Please!!

My dad always says to me “Via con huevos,” which means “Go with eggs” when he gets off the phone. He thinks this is real funny and I say EVERY TIME IS NOT FUNNY.  I wish you could see him and my mom, they are really cool mostly. My sister Lexi is not. She is a TEENAGER and she reads books and plays the flute like SQUEAK! SQUEAK! It is AWFUL because she has ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzero talent! Doug is fun, although he cries too much and his eyes are bad and he’s younger and little for his age. Savannah is a big fat baby and FUN-NY! She smells like cheese a lot which is very weird.


Your friend,



About Vicki Caroline Cheatwood

Writerly. Rebooting. Evolving. Searching for great chicken salad.
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