“Creature” is part of an unproduced revue written for actresses 40 and over, entitled… “40 & Over.” I’m publishing it because earlier today I went on a Facebook rant about chin hair, and then thought “Wait, I think I’ve covered this topic before….”
This creature that I am becoming, that I am discovering? I have discovered, to my dismay, that she has wings. Fleshy crepe-y wings. That wiggle. And undulate. My grandmother had wings just like these, and even when I was a child, and in her thrall, and knew her as the best person in the whole entire world — even though I would rather be in Grandma’s lap with her arms around me more than anywhere else — even then, I would look at those wobbly wings and think, “Ewwww.”
I got the wings. Wrinkles are coming along. So’s the turkey wattle.
And the hair. Like most of you, I look in a mirror at least once a day every day, and still somehow, these rogue hairs manage to grow undetected to incredible lengths in amazingly short spans of time. Thick, black, coarse hair: ugly. Cockroach antenna ugly. Yesterday, not there. Today, it’s touching the mirror when I’m standing two feet away. How is this happening? How am I not seeing it happen? I see the other hairs, the normal hairs. I’m not that far-sighted (sigh) yet. You see ‘em, wax ‘em, pluck ‘em, whatever. No big deal. But these, these are not hairs of God. These are evil hairs. These are the hairs that you notice only after the great party where you thought that everyone was intensely focused on you due to the brilliant, witty things you were espousing, when in fact, they were worried that the enormous black hair growing out of the mole on your cheek was going to suddenly spring forward and wrap itself around their necks.
Sometimes I picture myself, on the other end of this transformation, as one of those hairy beasts from “Where The Wild Things Are.”
Hope I’m wrong.
(long beat/evil grin)
(Dancing off, singing “Wild Thing/You make my heart sing/You make everything groooo-veh…”)
*NOTE TO ACTORS: You may use this or any material published on “The Bottomland” for auditions. Just give me credit, especially if the producers like it. However, to use this (or any of my work) for performance, you must notify me at least 3 weeks prior to the first rehearsal.