Fickle Useful Nutjob

flower patchToday, I performed an amazing feat.

Today, I felt almost all of my feelings. I was present; I hung around for myself. Whenever I drifted over into F.E.A.R.*, I wiggled my toes, and asked myself

  1. “Am I in the same room as my toes?” (Yes.)
  2. “Is anything really bad happening right now?” (No.)

Fear bomb defused.

Today, I understand that the only place that I have any power is in the present. The past happened. The future cannot be predicted, not even by Nate Silver. Only in “the now” do I have the ability to choose which thoughts I will let float on by, which ones I will entertain, and which ones I will invite to bring a toothbrush and move into the spare bedroom.

Today, there is space freed up in my head. Turns out, not one of the worst-possible outcomes that I’d nightmared up came to pass. Not a one. Turns out that, for today, things are fine.

Today, I pray that I can keep wiggling my toes and conjuring up healthy thoughts, happy substitutions that are healing and, above all, very, very, very, very, very F.U.N.**

Today, I sent this text to my sisters:

“I AM A FUCKING ROCK STAR, AND I AM GONNA FLY UP FROM THE ASHES OF MY DESPAIR LIKE SOME EXOTIC DAMN BIRD OF AN INDESCRIBABLE BEAUTY THAT THE WORLD HAS NEVER BEFORE SEEN.”

Today I won.

=================================================================

*I’ve heard F.E.A.R. defined as  “False Evidence Appearing Real,” and “Face Everything and Recover.” Some of my favorite pessimists say, “Fuck Everything and RUN!”

**There are no such helpful acronyms for F.U.N. So, I just now came up with these:
Fizzy Untethered Newborns
Fairly Unbound Now
Females Ululating Nicely
Finally Understanding Nothing  (This one’s actually attributed to Gary Busey.)

Feel free to add your own “F.U.N.” acronyms in the comments section.

 

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About Vicki Caroline Cheatwood

Writerly. Rebooting. Evolving. Searching for great chicken salad.
This entry was posted in Grief soup, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Fickle Useful Nutjob

  1. Laney Dodson says:

    Thank you, once again, for sharing your victory and reminding me about what’s important!

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